Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect
by One Winged Angel666
Summary: When Scott Pilgrim gets taken to the year 2185 by Cerberus, he is forced against his will to fight Commander Shepard and his squad to the death.  Who will win in this epic battle?  Takes place after the comics and ME2.
1. Prologue

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

By One Winged Angel 666

Prologue

_Note: Told through Scott Pilgrim's perspective_

I was scared like god-knows-what when I was walking down a long hallway, being escorted by two soldiers that claim to work for Cerberus. "So," I said to the soldiers, "where are you taking me?"

"To the Illusive Man," said one of the soldiers.

"But why," I asked. "I didn't do anything wrong here!"

"You'll see when you get there," said the other soldier.

I was then led to an empty room, where the soldiers had me go inside some circle. I had to wonder, how can I meet this 'Illusive Man' if they just led me to a dead end? As I stood in the circle, suddenly yellow, holographic squares started to appear from the floor below me, as I then saw a large room containing what looked like a red sun... planet... giant sphere thingy. In front of it, sitting comfortably and calmly on his chair, smoking his cigarette, was a strange, handsome-looking man, staring at me with his bizarre, glowy, synthetic eyes.

"You must be Scott Pilgrim, I assume," the creepy man said to me.

"Are you the Illusive Man," I asked. "Why am I a hologram and not seeing you in person?"

"First of all," said the man, "yes, I'm the Illusive Man, leader of Cerberus. Secondly, we're not meeting in the flesh due to security measures built to keep me safe."

"Why was I warped into outer space," I asked. "Why was I brought here? And what does Cerberus even do?"

"What I should worry about," said the Illusive Man, "if I were you is _when_ I am rather than just _where_ I am. You're in the year 2185, the future. Cerberus is my organization, dedicated to elevating humanity to the top by any means necessary. We are a pro-human organization. But never mind us, as we should discuss you."

"Come on," I said. "I'm just some 24-year-old slacker who comes from the 21st century! There's nothing special about me. So why bring me here, and why kidnap Ramona Flowers, my girlfriend, and use her against me, when the both of us have nothing to do with you?"

As the Illusive Man took a puff of his cigarette, he then continued, "You're here because we know about your potential. According to your dossier, you battled and defeated seven of Ramona's evil ex-boyfriends, conveniently named 'The League of Ramona's Evil Exes.' That's why we spent six-billion credits - the same amount as when we brought back a soldier by the name of Commander Shepard from the dead - to build a time-machine, so that several of my men can bring you here to me."

"But why Ramona," I asked. "Why kidnap her?"

"We're sorry for the inconvenience," replied the Illusive Man, "but we had to bring you here by any means necessary. Just in case you refused to come, we had to kidnap and use your girlfriend against you. As for you, I've brought you here because I thought I could test and develop your capabilities, so that I can see them for myself."

"How can you," I asked. "Are you going to pit your low-level thugs against me?"

"You're too powerful even for my soldiers," replied the Illusive Man. "That's why I'm going to pit you against thirteen of the galaxy's most powerful warriors."

"Thirteen warriors," I asked.

"You heard me, Scott," replied the Illusive Man. "They're all led by the thirteenth member of the group, the man my men and I brought back from the dead, Commander Shepard, captain of the Normandy 2, which I built for him. I'm sending you to fight Commander Shepard and his squad, so that I can test and develop you into even more of the ultimate fighting machine you already are. After all, you _did_ defeat Ramona's evil exes ending with the seventh and most powerful of them all, Gideon Graves. Why not battle Shepard and his squad?"

"But why," I asked. "Is it to turn me into some ultimate super-soldier that you can use to conquer the galaxy?"

"In a sense," said the Illusive Man, "yes. We know all about you. Another reason was because Shepard and his squad betrayed me by destroying the Collector Base, which we needed to combat the Reapers. We thought that by pitting you against them, not only would we turn you into what we've always wanted you to become, but we'd also get our revenge on Shepard for betraying my organization."

"Like Hell I will," I responded cruelly. "You do things 'by any means necessary,' right? As in kill innocent people just to get what you want?"

"Our methods are extreme," replied the Illusive Man, "that's true. Some consider us a terrorist organization. That's why Shepard and his squad decided to resign from and turn against us. We brought him back, and yet he pays us back by leaving us. All the more reason to bring you here."

Suddenly, a holographic image of Ramona Flowers appeared in-between the Illusive Man and I. She was sitting on her knees, her arms tied behind her back while her eyes were covered by a blindfold, as she said, "Scott, is that you?"

"Ramona," I cried.

"Help," cried Ramona.

"You _will_ help us exact our revenge on Commander Shepard," replied the Illusive Man, "or we _will_ kill Ramona."

"As I said before," I said, "Ramona and I have nothing to do with this!"

I then saw a series of red lasers being aimed at Ramona's forehead, as I could tell that some of the Illusive Man's soldiers were about to kill her. With no other choice, I reluctantly said, "Give me the locations of Shepard and each of his squad-mates."

"No need," replied the Illusive Man. "Two years ago, we lured a group of Alliance marines to be eaten alive by a thresher maw, via a distress beacon, just to see the immense killing-potential of that giant space-worm. We thought we'd do the same thing with Commander Shepard and his squad, by using another Alliance beacon to lure Shepard and his squad out into the open long enough for you to attack them with whatever you used against those seven evil exes. I'll have my team of soldiers escort you to a nearby uncharted planet and plant you and a distress beacon there. However, I must warn you, once you're on this planet, there's no turning back. Another thing I must warn you about, Shepard and his squad managed to survive the final suicide mission against the Collectors, making them several times more powerful than even your girlfriend's exes. Some are skilled with guns, others either biotics or tech. All, however, cannot be taken lightly."

"Did you say 'guns, biotics, and tech,'" I asked. "I don't even know what biotics is! They even have guns and techno-gadgets, for God's sake! What am I supposed to use against them?"

"Your wits, strength, and every other ability you used against Ramona's exes," replied the Illusive Man. "Unless you want Ramona to die in front of your eyes, you either punish Shepard and his squad for treason against Cerberus, or die trying. I have incredible confidence in your potential, and that you'll push them beyond the limits."

The Illusive Man and the room he was in would disappear around me, and I would be back to the empty room again. "Come with us," said one of the two soldiers behind me, as I was escorted out of the room and to a space-shuttle in the station's port-room.


	2. Chapter 1

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

Chapter 1

I was nervous, as I sat in the shuttle, flying through space, with two Cerberus soldiers watching over me. I wonder how Ramona Flowers was doing, I thought. I hope she'd be okay. I also had to wonder who Commander Shepard and his squad were, and how they survived a suicide mission against those 'Collectors' or whatever they're called. If they can destroy those Collector-guys the same way I did the League of Ramona's Evil Exes, wouldn't that make us equally-matched to the point of killing each other, rather than just one of us killing the other?

The shuttle would arrive at the uncharted planet and into its atmosphere. As I looked through the window, I discovered that it was mostly barren, with literally nothing except grass, rocks, plains, and bizarre alien animals running around the fields. The shuttle would land on the ground, nearby a dark cave, as I was shoved out of the shuttle by the soldiers and onto the ground. The soldiers would then carry a large, mechanical distress beacon out of the shuttle and place it on the ground.

"So guys," I said to the Cerberus soldiers, "what am I supposed to do again?"

"The Illusive Man told you already," said one of the soldiers, "so there's no need for us to explain it to you."

"O-kay," I responded. After planting the beacon on the ground, the soldiers would go back to the shuttle, as it flew away with them into the sky. I was left all alone, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but a distress beacon to lure Shepard and the others, and a cave to hide from them.

A day would pass, and already I was hungry. I never had a shower since the day I was abducted along with Ramona, and I didn't have a good-night sleep because of the rough, uncomfortable ground. I was worried that a couple of wild alien animals would appear out of nowhere to eat me, and I was giving up all hope that Commander Shepard and his squad would appear.

A long week later, and the only food I could find was from the various wild animals I'd kill with the fighting-skills I developed from fighting Ramona's evil exes. I didn't have any fire to cook them with, so the best I could do was eat them raw and pray that I didn't get sick from any of them. I also learned to get used to the rough ground, as I was more capable of sleeping on it. But despite eating wild animals to survive and getting used to the rough ground, I was a complete mess, not only because I haven't taken a shower in a week, but also because I became psychologically broken. I kept worrying about Ramona, I couldn't wait for Shepard and his squad any longer, and I had to wonder how Ramona and I can reach Cerberus's time-machine to go back to the 21st century.

As I slept during the night, I was awoken by the noise of a loud engine roaring in the sky. As I quickly got up, I saw a large ship from afar, dropping off another shuttle similar to the one that dropped me off. Was that thing the Normandy 2 the Illusive Man talked about, I asked myself. With no way of finding out, the best I could do was hide in that cave as much as possible. An hour later, the shuttle would appear in front of the distress beacon I was near, and as the hatch opened, three soldiers appeared out of it, each wielding guns. One of them was a grizzled space-marine wearing a black suit of mechanical armor with an N7 symbol on it. The other two was an African man and a white woman, both wearing uniforms with the Cerberus insignia emblazoned on them, like those Cerberus soldiers.

As I hid in the cave, unseen, the three soldiers looked at the distress beacon as the African male soldier said to the others, "If this is the distress beacon found on the galaxy map, then where are the survivors?"

"Who knows," said the female soldier. "Probably gave up on rescue and decided to survive the wilderness on their own."

"This doesn't explain everything," said their leader in the N7 armor. "EDI, do you have an explanation?"

"Scanning distress beacon," said a female computer voice speaking in the N7 soldier's right ear. "According to the data I've gathered, it appears that the distress signal had been active for a week. I also detect only a single lifeform on this planet."

"A single lifeform, you say," asked the leader.

"It is located right in front of you," replied the computer voice the soldier called EDI.

This isn't right, I thought. How can some computer-thingy be able to spot me?

"Impossible," said the African soldier. "I don't see anyone in front of us!"

"Unless they're in that cave," said the female soldier, as she took out her gun and aimed it at the cave I was hiding in.

"I see," said the leader, as he and the African soldier took out their guns as well, as the leader said, "Whoever you are, come out where I can see you!"

With no other choice, I came out of the cave with my arms up, walking toward the soldiers as I said, "Please, don't shoot me!"

"Calm down," said the leader. "I just want to know who you are and how you got here."

"Scott Pilgrim," said the female soldier. "Hails from the 21st century. Took down seven of his girlfriend's evil exes."

"How do you know about him," the leader asked the female soldier. "He's just some ordinary, young man."

"Cerberus studied his history," replied the female soldier, "understood the limitless potential within this young man when he battled his girlfriend's seven evil exes and defeated them all."

"But why would a young man from the 21st century be here," asked the African man.

"Unless we find out from him," replied the leader, "we won't get anything, let alone why there's a distress beacon here, and what that Scott Pilgrim person has to do with it." The three soldiers would lower their guns and slowly walk toward me. I was nervous as God-knows-what, as the leader said, "My name is Commander Shepard. The other two are my squad-mates, Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor, both of whom are ex-Cerberus. Why are you here along with the distress beacon?"

"He's right," said the African Shepard calls Jacob Taylor. "You shouldn't be here in this time period. You should be dead for the past one-hundred years right now."

"Right," I said awkwardly. I couldn't believe it, I thought. Commander Shepard, just as the Illusive Man said! He wasn't lying when he said the beacon would lure him and his squad to me. But what should I do? If I either tip them off or just plain attack them, they could try to kill me with their giant guns. But if I was capable of defeating seven evil exes, wouldn't that make me capable of dodging speeding bullets as well? What should I do, fight Shepard and his team, or let the Illusive Man kill Ramona?

"Um," I awkwardly said to Shepard and the others, "you're c-charged with t-t-treason against Cerberus, and I'm here to... uh... bring you to the Illusive Man dead or alive?"

Shepard would look at his teammates awkwardly, then say to me, "Look. I appreciate your stupid jokes, but I'm not laughing, and I need to know why you're..."

"You haven't listened to everything I said," Miranda said to Shepard, "didn't you?"

"She's right," Jacob said to Shepard. "Scott Pilgrim was capable of defeating all seven of his girlfriend's evil exes, as the Cerberus dossiers say."

"You don't mean..." replied Shepard.

"Yes, Shepard," Miranda said to him, "and if he said that Cerberus sent him, then that would mean..."

"The distress beacon's a trap," cried Shepard

Reacting quickly, I would deal a massive punch into Shepard's chest, causing him to fly backwards, crashing into the shuttle. Miranda and Jacob would aim and fire their guns at me, as I managed to quickly dodge them. I then charged at Miranda, grabbed her arm, then tossed her over my shoulder and into Jacob, slamming the two on the ground as I stole her gun in the process.

As Shepard got back on his feet and out of the shuttle, aiming his assault rifle at me, I aimed Miranda's pistol at him along with Jacob and Miranda. "Stay back," I said. "I may not have any experience with a gun, but I've played a lot of video games that involved guns!"

"Listen," said Shepard, as his two teammates got back on their feet, "it doesn't have to be this way. Put the weapon down and we'll talk civilly."

"I'm only doing this," I said to Shepard and his squad, "because Cerberus kidnapped Ramona and is using her against me! If I don't defeat you in battle right now, they'll kill my girlfriend!"

"Shepard," Jacob said to his leader, "I highly doubt diplomacy will help the both of you."

"He's right, you know," Miranda said to Shepard. "He fears that if he betrays Ceberus like the rest of us, and instead side with us, they might kill Ramona."

"I don't know," said Shepard. "However, on the other hand, they _are_ an evil organization, and evil people tend to dispose one of their own anytime their usefulness ends, like the turian ex-Spectre Saren after gaining the Cipher through that giant plant-thing, the Thorian, back on Feros. Probably because they're afraid that their henchmen might surpass and even betray them."

"Mine and Jacob's former boss, the Illusive Man," said Miranda, "is the type to dispose people regardless of who they are and whose side they're on. Regardless of whether or not Scott Pilgrim succeeded, failed, or betrayed the Illusive Man, our former boss would kill Ramona in front of his eyes anyway."

Shepard would think silently to himself for a few moments, then later on say to his teammates, "Perhaps you're right. Unless we find a way to save that young man's girlfriend, there's no way we can truly help him."

"Then," said Jacob, "I guess the only way we can deal with him is to kick his sorry ass so hard he'll be flying all the way to the edge of the galaxy."

"You've made the right choice," I said to Shepard and his squad.

Because I was more experienced in melee combat than guns, I passed the pistol I was holding back to Miranda, as she caught it and then say to me, "I don't know why, but thanks."

I went into my fighting stance, as I said to them, "Wasn't experienced in wielding a gun anyway."

"Are you sure," Shepard asked me. "Miranda and Jacob may know about your combat potential against your girlfriend's seven evil exes, but you're fighting us unarmed. We might slaughter you like cattle. Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Of course, Shepard," I said. "I'm willing to die for Ramona's sake!"

"Then by all means," replied Shepard, "come at us!"

Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob would fire their guns at me, but with the quick reflexes I developed from my battles against each of Ramona's evil exes, I managed to dodge their bullets, if only slightly. A couple bullets would scratch me, but nothing serious, even though I reacted like a complete pussy over a few of those minor scratches. "Ow," I yelled, holding on to one of the scratches on my right shoulder, "what did you do that for? Couldn't you see I was trying to dodge your bullets?"

"How can you complain like a toddler," said Shepard, "if you received very few minor scratches from our guns' speeding bullets? Shouldn't you be as powerful and dangerous as your dossier say you'd be?"

"Look," I said, "I don't want to kill any of you! I just want to rescue Ramona and escort the both of us back to the 21st century in that time-machine Cerberus built to abduct us!"

"A time machine," asked Jacob.

"Guess that explains how he got here," said Miranda.

"Our guns wouldn't work on him," Shepard said to Miranda and Jacob, "since he was capable of dodging speeding bullets despite his bitching about all those minor scratches he received from them. Did any of you two practice unarmed self-defense?"

"Yes," said Jacob.

"How about you," Miranda asked Shepard.

"There's more to me than just experience with a gun, you know," said Shepard. "Us Alliance marines would also learn unarmed self-defense when enemies get too close."

"Then let's disarm ourselves," Miranda said to Shepard, "and fight him hand-to-hand."

"You've spoken my language," replied Shepard, as he and his squad-mates tossed their guns on the ground aside and went into their unarmed fighting stances.

"I understand you won't shoot me with your guns," I said to them, "because I can easily dodge their bullets with the reflexes I developed from my battles against each of Ramona's evil exes. But, even without your guns, that doesn't excuse the fact that there are three of you and only one of me! You have me outnumbered! Why can't you just pick which one of you should fight me one-on-one instead?"

"If we fought you one-on-one rather than three-on-one," Shepard said, "two of us wouldn't be able to assist the third whenever he or she is in danger. You were capable enough of fighting all seven of Ramona's evil exes and dodging our speeding bullets. Surely, our combined hand-to-hand skills would give us a slight edge."

"Then I guess I have no choice," I said, going back to my fighting stance.

Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob would have me surrounded, but I didn't care. I used to battle large groups back in high-school. Surely, I thought, fighting Shepard and his squad-mates wouldn't be so bad either.

Our three-on-one fist-fight would begin, and would last for around thirty minutes, perhaps even longer. As we were done fighting each other, the three of them and one of me were kneeling on the ground, covered in bruises, cuts, scrapes, and other wounds, recovering our breath.

"Hmph," said Shepard, "looks like your former organization's profile on that young man wasn't lying, guys."

"Of course we're not lying," replied Jacob to Shepard, "Captain Obvious!"

"Scott Pilgrim possesses power beyond imagining," said Miranda, "despite his appearance."

"Then how the Hell can we beat him," Jacob asked Shepard.

"Yeah," I said to Shepard and his squad, "and how can I do likewise to you guys? You're _literally_ everything the Illusive Man said you'd be! He told me that you used to survive and succeed a suicide mission, making you three and the rest of your teammates - whoever and wherever they are - the most dangerous team in the galaxy!"

"That's true," replied Shepard, as the four of us would get off our knees and stand back up. "We _did_ manage to survive the entire suicide mission with our entire team and crew intact, after all, despite the slim odds of survival. Just as you were capable of defeating those seven evil people that wanted your girlfriend back."

"Then," I said, "where are your other teammates?"

"On the Normandy 2," replied Shepard. "They've been with me since the day we destroyed the Collector base and betrayed the Illusive Man and his group, Cerberus. If you want, I can bring along with me all my teammates so that you can meet them in person."

"But," I said, "wouldn't that leave your ship defenseless? Your teammates have to defend the ship while you and your two friends are away."

"We're sorry," Shepard said, "but you are our most powerful opponent since the Collectors. If it were just Jacob, Miranda, and I, you would've handled us like we're yesterday's news. That's why I'd probably need my entire squad to assist me in taking you down, even if it means leaving our ship at the mercy of some raiders, pirates, mercenaries, or whatever bad guys come our way."

"You defeat us," said Miranda, "you get Ramona back from the Illusive Man, our former boss."

"Although we highly doubt it," said Jacob, "since he'll probably dispose the both of you."

"How can you tell," I asked.

"When you were a kid," said Shepard, "you probably watched a lot of children's cartoons where the bad guys would dispose one of their own when they succeed, right?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Cerberus is no different from those cartoon villains you'd see on television," said Miranda.

"They'll probably execute Ramona right in front of your eyes," said Jacob, "then take you with her."

"Then it's a risk I'm willing to take," I said. "I'll find a way to save Ramona, even if it means fulfilling my end of the bargain to the Illusive Man by defeating you and your team!"

"Then you're more misguided than we'd thought you'd be," said Shepard. He, Miranda, and Jacob would get back into their shuttle, as the hatch closed in front of them. The shuttle would fly far away from where I am, and I was left alone to wait for Shepard and his entire team to hunt me down like some wild animal.


	3. Chapter 2

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

Chapter 2

Morning would rise, as I stood there, bravely waiting for Shepard and his entire team to fight me. I was nervous, my heart racing and sweat coming down my body and face, but I didn't care. After all, bravery doesn't mean not being scared, but rather being scared yet doing the things you're scared of doing, right? After all, I defeated Gideon Graves and his League of Evil Exes, just as Shepard and his squad managed to defeat those 'Collectors' or whatever they're called. This won't be so bad, right?

As the afternoon came, I then saw from afar the same shuttle Shepard and his squad came out of. Because he's bringing along all twelve of his teammates, they could be too overwhelming even for me, so I hid in the darkness of that cave I was in. The shuttle would land and open the hatch, as out came Shepard, Miranda, Jacob, and their bizarre, motley crew of squad-mates. The other teammates included some skinny alien in a doctor's suit; a scaly alien wearing blue armor and equipped with a sniper rifle on his back; a young human woman with shaved hair and lots of tattoos all over her body; a giant dinosaur-thing with a hunch-back; a young alien girl whose entire face was covered in a breathing mask; a yellow skinned alien man with black eyes; a blue-skinned woman with tentacles for hair and a red suit; a robot with a flashlight head and the same N7 symbol on his chest as Shepard; a middle-aged human merc with a scar on his face; and an Asian woman whose face was hidden underneath a hood.

Shepard would then face his team as they did likewise with him, as Shepard said, "I understand that by bringing all of you rather than just two of you, we're putting the Normandy 2 at risk. The rest of you would've stayed behind to defend our ship while I brought two other teammates with me on away missions. But, right now, I need all of you, because we're facing our most powerful opponent since the Collectors themselves, and I need you all at your best. Many of us might not survive, but as long as you keep your cool, concentrate, and do your best like I know you can, we'll all defeat that pawn of Cerberus's evil schemes."

"You sure, Shepard," asked the woman with the shaved hair. "That guy we're fighting against is just one ordinary slacker compared to us experienced combat-vets that survived a suicide mission."

"You haven't listened during the debriefing on our ship, haven't you Jack," Miranda said to the woman she called Jack.

"According to our former organization's dossiers," Jacob continued, "Scott Pilgrim battled and defeated seven evil exes, each immensely skilled and powerful in combat."

"Jacob, Miranda, and I fought him when we first encountered him," said Shepard. "He dodged all our bullets like they were slow moving, and our hand-to-hand battle ended in a draw. He's more a threat than anyone of us could realize."

"So what," asked Jack. "He's just some mere human."

"Anyone agrees with me over Jack," Shepard said, "raise your hand." The entire team except Jack raised their hands in the air, as Shepard said to her, "Majority rule."

"Whatever," replied Jack, as the others lowered their hands down again.

"EDI," Shepard said to his communicator in his ear, "scan the planet of any signs of Scott Pilgrim."

"Scanning," said EDI in Shepard's communicator. "Scans indicate that he's right in front of you, inside that cave. Warning: The cave leads to an endless network of tunnels. You might get lost finding Scott Pilgrim."

"Then it's a chance we're willing to take," said the scaly alien sniper.

"Move out," Shepard ordered his team.

I then ran into the cave, down a large series of tunnels, sometimes leading me to dead ends, other times making me run around in circles. It was dark, and I had no flashlight, no torch, no means of seeing where I was. However, I could hear echoes of Shepard and squad's voices.

"EDI," Shepard's voice echoed throughout underground, "do you spot him?"

"Unable," echoed EDI's voice. "The entire cave is laced with metals that block my scanners."

"Then I guess we'll have to split up," echoed Shepard's voice.

"Commander," echoed another voice, "are you sure? You might put us in danger and we might get lost and separated. What if Scott Pilgrim find and kills one of us while we're alone and vulnerable?"

"You're too skilled and experienced to get yourself killed by one ordinary young man, Jacob," echoed Shepard's voice. "Anytime Scott Pilgrim gets to you, defend yourself with whatever you have."

"Right," echoed Jacob's voice, "sorry, Commander."

"Any other objections," asked Shepard's voice.

"No, Commander," replied Miranda's voice.

"Then," said Shepard's voice, "move out!"

They're splitting up, I asked myself. If they do so, they might have a better chance of finding me, even if they're more vulnerable separated than together! For now, though, the best I could do was use stealth and cunning to outmaneuver Shepard and his team.

As I hid behind a large rock as best as I could, I could see a large light coming out of some bizarre-looking, yellow, holographic glove thingy, worn by the girl in the breathing mask. The alien girl would slowly walk toward the boulder I was hiding behind, as she wielded a pistol. This was the ultimate opportunity, I thought, as I looked the other way, thinking to myself. I know that taking hostages seems out-of-character for someone like me, but if I can capture her and use her as a hostage, I might save myself from her and her teammates. Once the alien girl gets close enough, I run past her and knock her out, then take her with me and hold her hostage long enough for me to finish at least a few of them off, the alien girl included.

"Tali to Shepard," said the alien girl's voice, "Tali to Shepard. Target sighted!"

What? I looked behind me and saw that the alien girl that called herself Tali found me hiding behind the boulder! How stupid of me! I had this ultimate opportunity and yet I wasted it on thinking about the plan! Looks like I have to resort to alternate method.

With incredible reflexes, I tripped Tali into the ground with my leg, then hit her in the stomach with my elbow, knocking her into a coma. "Tali'Zorah," called Shepard's voice in her communicator, "this is Commander Shepard! Respond!"

I then carried Tali's comatose body on my back and ran for my life, using her as a hostage to keep the others at bay. However, as I ran down the tunnels, I accidentally encountered the blue-skinned woman with tentacle-hair, as she menacingly faced me. "Samara to Shepard," said the blue woman to her communicator, "I've managed to find him! He's carrying a comatose Tali on his back. He's probably using her as a hostage."

"Sit tight, Samara," said Shepard's voice in her communicator, "one of us will be here in a moment."

"No need," said another voice, as I turned around and, to my shock, discovered the skinny alien in a doctor's suit, aiming his pistol at me. "Samara and I," said the skinny alien, "found Pilgrim. Surround him, but Tali hostage. Finding resolution. Must defeat Pilgrim, save Tali."

"You are holding the young quarian hostage," said Samara. "As asari justicar, it's my duty to protect the innocent and punish the wicked at any cost."

"Stay back," I said, as I took Tali's pistol and aimed it at her head. "I've got a teenaged alien girl by my side and I'm not afraid to kill her!"

"Low probability," said the skinny alien. "Very unlikely. Sense hesitation. Pistol-hand shaking. Nervous. Sweat-beads coming down your face. Kill Tali, develop regrets later."

"Dr. Mordin Solus is not lying, Scott Pilgrim," said Samara. "The Illusive Man probably told you about us, just as we learned about you. You want to save your beloved Ramona Flowers, but you're also afraid of killing the very people you owe for saving the galaxy, including your hostage. What will it be? Save your love, or save your heroes?"

They weren't lying, though. I was _literally_ nervous. The Illusive Man sent me to eliminate Shepard and his entire squad, but I wasn't just afraid of their strengths and skills alone. No, it was because they were heroes who saved the galaxy, just as I was a hero for saving Ramona. If I kill Tali in front of them, I'd also strip the galaxy of one of its heroes, one of the only few people besides her teammates with the power to stop Cerberus from conquering the galaxy! In fact, I succeed in killing all of them, not just Tali, Cerberus would conquer the galaxy, and both Ramona and I would be screwed!

With no other way, I quickly aimed past Mordin, the skinny alien, and fired a shot past him, distracting him long enough for me to escape with Tali. As I ran past Mordin, I was then instantly stopped in my tracks, as some bizarre energy held me still and took Tali off my back, carrying her in the air to Samara. I didn't know that Samara could use telekinesis, like the vegan ex Todd Ingram. But, with my immense strength I broke out of her telekinetic hold on me, then quickly ran to Samara and delivered a swift kick into her face, knocking her down long enough for me to grab Tali out of the air so that I could escape with her as my hostage.

I ran away from the two aliens down the long tunnels. As I did so, I could see a small light at the end of the passage. As I got there, I found myself outside, on top of a cliff overlooking a large, blue ocean. On my right was a path I could make my escape through, but before I could take that path, I heard Samara's voice saying, "Hold it right there!"

Out of the cave came Samara and Mordin, aiming their guns at me. With no other choice, I grabbed Tali's comatose body, aimed the pistol at her head, and said to the two aliens, "I _can_ kill her, you know! After all, she's one of my targets besides the rest of you!"

"Lower weapon," ordered Mordin, "now!"

"Ungh," groaned Tali, as she slowly woke up in my arms. "What's going on?"

"O-kay," I said to Tali.

"Thank the goddess," said Samara.

"Awake," Mordin said to Tali. "Thought he'd kill you, despite hesitance."

"What did you guys say," asked Tali, as she then looked at me and yelled, "You filthy bosh'tet!"

"What does 'bosh'tet' mean," I asked Tali.

Before I could receive my answer, Tali would then grab me by my gun-wielding arm and flip me over her shoulders, slamming me into the ground, and taking her pistol back from me. Tali, Mordin, and Samara would aim their guns at me as I lied on the ground.

Tali would then say on her communicator, "Shepard, this is Tali. I've managed to free myself from Scott Pilgrim's grasp. We have him surrounded!"

"Good," Shepard's voice said in Tali's communicator. "Stay there and keep him still until I come. Make sure he doesn't escape."

"Yes, Commander," replied Tali.

Tali would then say to me, "You should've considered the consequences before facing us, you know."

"You may have displayed immense power during your battle against Ramona's evil exes," Samara said to me, "but you are still merely human."

"Like Hell I'm merely human," I said, as I quickly stood on my hands and split-kicked Samara and Mordin in their faces. I then quickly got back on my feet, grabbed Tali's arm, then flipped her over my shoulders, tossing her down the cliff and into the ocean below. She would scream as she fell and splashed into the water. However, I didn't want to kill her just because she was one of the heroes that defeated those 'Collectors' or whatever, so I looked down to see if she was okay. I could see her head pop out of the water as she was easily treading it.

"You fool," Samara said to me, as I turned around and saw Mordin and Samara slowly get back up on their feet. The two would then rush to the edge of the cliff to look down to see if Tali was okay, which she was.

"Don't worry about me," Tali yelled from below. "I'm okay!"

The two would then face me as Mordin said, "Tali can swim, from years of training for quarian Pilgrimage. But hers and her species immune systems, highly vulnerable to even the least dangerous bacterias. Alive and well, but highly vulnerable to diseases within ocean."

"What," I asked the two. "That alien girl is alive, isn't that enough for you?"

Samara's body would glow blue with a strange energy, as Samara said to me, "You should have thought twice before tossing an innocent quarian down where diseases are rife!" She would summon a sphere of energy from her right hand and toss it at me. I quickly dodged the attack, as I jump-kicked Mordin so strong that I knocked him down the cliff and into the ocean with Tali. Samara would then take out her pistol, but before she could fire it at me, I grabbed her arm, karate-chopped her in the head, then pushed her down the cliff as well.

After Mordin and Samara fell into the water, I looked down to see if they were okay as well, which they were. Normally, no one would be able to survive a fall that great, yet the water below broke their fall. However, I had no time to hesitate, as I ran from the dark cave and down the path, hoping to evade the rest of Shepard's team before they could catch me.


	4. Chapter 3

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

Chapter 3

After running down the narrow path next to a cliff leading down to the ocean, where I tossed Tali, Mordin, and Samara in, I found myself in the middle of a large, rocky canyon, hoping to evade any one of Shepard's squad.

"Where are you, Scott Pilgrim," echoed Jack's voice from afar, as I ran down the canyon.

Unfortunately, after an hour of running around in circles and getting lost in the canyon, I ran into a dead end. How could I escape them, I thought to myself. I then turned around to see if they found me yet, and unfortunately, I saw that giant hunch-backed dinosaur alien charging at me, slamming me into the rocky wall and holding me there with his left arm.

"You're more trouble than you're actually worth, human," said the giant, hunch-backed alien.

"Grunt ain't lying, you know," said a familiar voice, as I looked past the hunch-backed alien to discover Jack, the girl with the shaved hair and tattoos all over her body. "I don't even understand why you'd run like a fraggin' coward," continued Jack, "when it would've been much easier for you to kick our sorry asses into some far-away planet or something."

"You're joking," I said to Jack, "right? There were thirteen of you and only one of me! You also have guns, tech, and those bizarre powers the Illusive Man called 'biotics'. I'm just some ordinary guy from the 21st century!"

"Don't seem like one," replied Jack. "After all, you _did_ manage to knock that salarian doctor, the asari justicar, and the quarian girl down into the ocean. They're alive, but I was pretty pissed-off that they couldn't capture or kill you. Now, it seems that Grunt, Garrus, and I will have to take it from here."

"Garrus," I asked. "All I see is you and that alien dinosaur cornering me, the guy you call 'Grunt'."

Grunt would punch me in the stomach so hard that it felt like a train hit me. Then, as the hunch-backed alien dinosaur released me, Jack's body would glow blue as she would lift me high in the air with the same powers as Samara. I could barely move at all, as Jack said to her communicator, "Hey, turian, do you have that butt-hole in your crosshairs?"

"First of all," said an alien voice in Jack's communicator, "I have a name, and it's Garrus Vakarian." I would then see a red laser pointer aim for the top of my head from afar, in front of me, as Garrus's voice in Jack's communicator continued, "And second of all, yes, I have Scott Pilgrim in my crosshairs. Just give the signal, and I'll fire."

"I suggest you do so now," said Jack.

"Affirmative," replied Garrus.

Before Garrus could fire his sniper-rifle at me from afar, I used all my strength to move my right arm out of Jack's biotic hold on me. "No," said Jack, struggling to regain a hold of me with her powers, "how can some ordinary jerk-ass be able to break out of my biotic hold?" She then said to Garrus via her communicator, "Garrus, I'm losing my grip! He's more powerful than I thought he'd be! Take the shot, now!"

I could hear a loud gunshot from afar, as with all my reflexes I caught the sniper bullet with my right hand, then flicked it at Grunt below in his chest with the strength of Garrus's sniper-rifle, knocking him into the ground.

I would then break out of Jack's biotic grip, as Jack and I ran to Grunt to check his vital signs. "Hmph," said Jack, "tough like any other krogan. Shot in the chest, yet because he's_ that_ strong, he gets himself knocked into a coma rather than killed." Jack and I would then face each other as she then said to Garrus from her communicator, "Change of plans, turian. You skilled with close-to-mid-range combat as you are sniping?"

"Of course I am," replied Garrus's voice in Jack's communicator. "You_ did_ fight with me, after all, seeing me wield an assault rifle and all."

"Then I suggest you get your ass down here," continued Jack, "and help me take down that jerk-ass Pilgrim!"

"Affirmative," said Garrus. "I'll be right over here."

Jack and I would then face each other, getting ready to fight one another, as she said to me, "Looks like you're more capable of yourself than one could imagine. I don't know how an ordinary man like yourself was capable of defeating seven of your bitch's exes without any of the same tricks we'd use against the Collectors. But, you _really are_ everything your Cerberus files say you'd be."

"Why would Cerberus want to research my capabilities against Ramona's seven evil exes anyway," I asked. "Are Cerberus _really that_ interested in people that fight well, like me?"

"Don't know," replied Jack. "Probably the same reason those Cerberus monkeys turned me into their biotic super weapon against my will. Cerberus was _always_ interested in combat potential, which was why they tortured and experimented on me and a variety of other biotic kids. They always wanted someone with enough strength to kick some serious ass at any cost, whether it's the rachni, the Thorian creepers, the husks, the thresher maws, Shepard and the rest of us in his squad, even you. But I don't really give two pieces of crap about why Cerberus wants to use you against us. You're a threat, we need to give you a good spanking before you do likewise to us."

Jack and I would fight each other one-on-one for the next thirty minutes. I had incredible strength and reflexes, but she was an incredibly powerful and dangerous biotic, making the two of us equally-matched.

The two of us were kneeling on the ground, tired and battle-fatigued. As the two of us struggled to recover our breath, the scaly alien in the blue suit of armor appeared with his assault rifle, as he said to Jack, "Looks like you've managed to get Scott Pilgrim into this condition he's in right now. I wish I could've arrived much earlier than this, but I owe you for weakening him long enough for me to handle the rest."

"Then," replied Jack, "what are you waiting for, turian? Finish him off for me!"

"Again," the turian said to Jack, "my name is Garrus!" Garrus would aim his assault rifle at me as he would say to me, "I don't know how you'd weaken Jack and live to tell the tale, but if I don't kill you now, you'll become a threat to us again later."

No, I thought, if I die now, Ramona will die with me! I don't even have that extra life I got from Todd Ingram, since I wasted it during my final fight with Gideon Graves! Thinking quickly, I got back up on my feet, and ran toward Garrus as fast as I could, dodging any of his bullets along the way. When I got close enough to Garrus, I grabbed his assault rifle, tossed him over my shoulder and into the ground, and tossed his assault rifle away. I then strongly stomped on Garrus's stomach, knocking him into a coma.

Jack and I would then face each other as she said to me, "First the salarian, asari, and quarian, and now the turian and krogan. Who's next, me, the biotic bitch?"

"Well," I said to Jack, "it's obvious, isn't it."

Jack would get off her knees and stand back up, then deliver a biotic punch at me, which I managed to block with my left hand. I then head-butted her, then dealt a flurry of blows at the weakened Jack, followed by a punch into her stomach, and a large uppercut that caused her to fly backwards and land into the ground, knocking her into a coma.

I don't really know how, but just like with Mordin, Samara, and Tali, I've managed to take down Grunt, Garrus, and Jack! However, I didn't want to be complacent, so as fast as I could, I escaped from the dead end Jack, Garrus, and Grunt cornered me in, and ran around the large canyon, hoping to evade Shepard and his remaining squad-mates before they could catch me.


	5. Chapter 4

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

Chapter 4

I thought I'd get lost in that oversized canyon, but I managed to get out of there. Now, I'm lost in some mystical, moss-covered alien ruins, hoping that neither Shepard nor any of his remaining squad-members catch me. As I wandered the ruins, I kept thinking about Ramona's safety, Shepard's strength, and the Illusive Man's intentions.

I ran around in circles, getting lost in that oversized labyrinth that was the alien ruins. Just where was I, I asked myself, and where were Shepard and his squad? I hoped they gave up on chasing me, because I wasn't that easy to catch it seemed. Maybe they were planning something to get me, or maybe they're hiding, trying to create the ultimate opportunity to catch me while I'm vulnerable.

I don't know why, but before I could continue thinking, I heard bizarre footsteps. I looked at the pillars next to me, and discovered a strange, see-through silhouette of someone running past one pillar to another. Who was it, I asked myself. I hope it wasn't one of Shepard's squad. I kept hearing more of those bizarre footsteps, wondering if that silhouette will come out and kill me. An hour later, I was running away as fast as I could from the silhouette, better off not knowing who it was or what it's after, and I was driven to the brink of fear and insanity.

Before I could keep running, I slammed myself into what appeared to be a middle-aged soldier with a scar all over the right side of his face, wearing a heavy suit of armor, carrying a large assault rifle. I fell down on my bottom, backing away after seeing the menacing sight of the soldier menacingly staring at me. He would then aim his assault rifle at me, saying to me, "We have you now, Scott Pilgrim. Either you stay here, or one of us_ will _shoot!"

Suddenly, someone would grab me from behind, holding me still by the neck as hard as he could. I looked behind me and discovered a yellow-skinned alien man with black eyes holding me still.

"The way you defeated six of our comrades," said the yellow-skinned alien, "you _really do_ have the potential within you, just as you did with your girlfriend's seven evil exes."

With all my strength, I bit the yellow alien in his left arm, causing him to release me and hold on to the bite mark I made on his arm. I then quickly grabbed him by the arm and tossed him over my shoulders, at the middle-aged soldier, knocking the two down.

I then heard the familiar footstep sound coming to my right, as I then punched whoever was charging at me. I looked to my right, and discovered the silhouette uncloaking herself on the ground, face-up, revealing herself to be the Asian woman that covered her entire face underneath her hood.

"And you three must be," I asked those people, as they slowly got back up on their feet.

"My name is Zaeed Massani," said the middle-aged soldier. "The others with me include the drell assassin, Thane Krios, and the master thief, Kasumi Goto."

"It's an honor to fight the legendary Scott Pilgrim," Kasumi said to me.

"Kasumi," Zaeed said to her, aiming his assault rifle at me, "we're not here to say our hellos to the enemy. We're here to eliminate the bastard at any cost."

"Right," said Kasumi, as she went into her fighting stance, "sorry, Zaeed."

"Forgive us," Thane said to me as he also went into his fighting stance, "considering your noble intentions of saving your beloved Ramona. But, you're an ally of Cerberus. It is time your soul left your mortal body and attained oneness with Kalihira, goddess of the oceans and afterlife."

I would fight Kasumi, Thane, and Zaeed for the next thirty minutes, and our battle would also end in a draw. The three of them were too heavily fatigued to continue fighting me, as I was likewise with them. But, before one of us could strike the next blow, I turned my head to the left to discover another red laser pointer aiming for my forehead. On top of the wall was the flashlight-headed robot with the same N7 symbol on its chest as Shepard, aiming his sniper-rifle at me. The robot would then aim the laser pointer from his sniper-rifle down into my left shoulder and snipe me there, dealing massive damage to me, creating a bullet hole in my left shoulder, and knocking me into the ground where I lied, face-up.

Zaeed, Kasumi, and Thane would slowly get back up from their knees, while the robot jumped off the wall and walked toward me along with the other three members of Shepard's squad. They would check down on me as I agonized in horrific pain over the bullet-wound on my left shoulder.

"Good job, Legion," Kasumi said to the robot.

"You may be a geth," said Zaeed, "and I don't trust you as much as I don't trust all of you in Shepard's team, but for an enemy-turned-ally, you _did_ have your uses."

The four members of Shepard's squad would then take out their guns and aim them at me, getting ready to finish me off. Not wanting to give up on Ramona, I quickly spun around on my back, tripping all four of Shepard's squad-mates onto the ground. As they lied on their backs, I quickly stole Zaeed's gun, switched its ammo setting to concussive mode, and fired several concussive shots at them, knocking them all into a coma.

It felt totally out-of-character for me to use a gun, just as it would be using a hostage. But so far, I've managed to defeat ten of Shepard's squad-mates. Now, all that was left was Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob, but they were probably hunting me down. Not wanting to leave myself open to Shepard and his remaining squad mates, I ran for my life again around the alien ruins, grasping the bullet wound on my left shoulder. It hurt so bad, as so much blood ran down my shoulder. I tried to stay as conscious as possible, considering that I was losing a lot of blood, but I would then find myself going past a threshold leading inside an ancient alien building.

As I ran down the dark hallways of that ancient building, I ended up at another dead end an hour later. In front of me at the dead end was a giant alien pyramid covered in moss. What was that pyramid, I asked myself, and why was there an ancient alien ruin on an uncharted planet that Cerberus never told me about?

Before I could receive my answers, the pyramid then went infiltrated my mind and gave me horrific visions of an ancient alien race being slaughtered and maimed by machines. The visions were painful to my head, and after seeing them, my mind returned to where I was (in front of the pyramid), as I grasped my head, wondering what the Hell I saw in my head. What was that ancient alien race? Why were they being killed by giant machines?

Before I could gain those answers, I then heard a familiar voice saying to me, "So, you received visions from that pyramid as well."

I then turned around to face what was behind me, and to my shock, found Commander Shepard, Jacob Taylor, and Miranda Lawson, cornering me in front of that pyramid.

"First of all," I said to them, "how do you know I received visions? And second of all, how did you find me?"

"Two years ago," Shepard said to me, "I received visions from the beacon on the human colony world of Eden Prime, and from another beacon on Virmire. They displayed grotesque images of the ancient alien race, the protheans, getting slaughtered by the ancient machines called Reapers."

"Shepard destroyed one of the Reapers, Sovereign," continued Miranda, "after sending his Alliance Fifth Fleet to their deaths to save the Citadel Council, before Sovereign could summon the Reaper fleet from the Citadel."

"What you saw, Scott Pilgrim," said Jacob Taylor, "were the same horrific crap Shepard would see two years ago, before the two of us would meet Shepard himself in-person."

"As for how we found you," said Shepard, "we followed your trail. The Normandy 2 managed to pick up and rescue the rest of our squad-mates, whom you've managed to defeat, before they could get eaten by the planet's wildlife or captured by Cerberus soldiers. You were everything those Cerberus files expected of you, capable of yourself in combat, yet still misguided into believing that defeating your own heroes would deliver you back to your own girlfriend."

"I didn't want to kill anyone," I proclaimed. "All I wanted to do was get Ramona back safely, so that we can return to our time-period!"

"None of us want to fight you, either," Shepard said, as he and his teammates took out their guns and aimed them at me, "but you're giving us no other choice, just as we're giving you no other choice."

With no other choice myself, I started to develop the courage to fight for Ramona's sake. I _need_ to defeat those bastards, I thought, and the only way was with the Power of Love, the power that I used to get Ramona back. Believing in the Power of Love, a sword's hilt came out of my chest, as I took it out, revealing a katana, conveniently titled 'The Power of Love', that I could use against Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob.

"So," said Jacob, as he and his team looked at my sword, "this must be the Power of Love."

"Careful, people," Miranda said to the other two, "he's empowered by his love for Ramona."

"Love _can_ empower others," Shepard said, "but it also blinds them to expose their weaknesses! That was why the Alliance banned fraternization from its personnel, to prevent them from ending up like Scott Pilgrim."

"Even though according to your profile," said Miranda, "you were almost charged with fraternization of one of your crewmates before heading to Ilos?"

"I was _still_ focused on the mission, you know," Shepard said to Miranda.

Shepard's squad and I would face each other, as I wielded the Power of Love sword in front of them, while they aimed their guns at me. We were both waiting for the ultimate opportunity to strike each other, and after a few seconds, Shepard said to his teammates, "On my signal! Fire!" Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob would fire several rounds at me, but with my incredible reflexes, I blocked a lot of their speeding bullets, charging at them and slashing Miranda and Jacob in their chests in the process, knocking them down on the ground.

"Jacob, Miranda," Shepard shouted at his comatose teammates, as he checked their bodies for a pulse. "They're still alive," Shepard said to himself, as he got back up and aimed his assault rifle at me.

"You should be thankful that your teammates are still alive," I said to Shepard. "After all, as I said before, I didn't want to kill any of them, let alone you."

"You may have displayed all that potential in front of my squad," Shepard said to me, "but to me you're still just some ordinary man from the 21st century! I _will _ capture or kill you at any cost, not just to avenge my friends' losses against you, but also to save the galaxy from whatever Cerberus plans on doing with you and your combat potential!"

Before Shepard could pull the trigger on his assault rifle, I used my Power of Love Sword to cut his gun in half, then painfully pierce him in his stomach. However, before I could get the sword out of there, Shepard would quickly get out his pistol and fire a shot into my right shoulder, knocking me back. As I saw the blurry image of Shepard slumping down on the ground, I also fell down on the ground, losing so much blood from my right shoulder that everything around me went black.


	6. Chapter 5

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

Chapter 5

Everything around me felt blurry, but I could feel my senses recovering. I could see a bright light coming down my eyes, nearly blinding me.

"Dr. Chakwas," said Shepard's voice, "Scott Pilgrim is waking up!"

As I fully recovered, I found myself in the sick bay of some ship, surrounded by Commander Shepard in his regular captain-uniform, as well as Miranda Lawson, Jacob Taylor, and a middle-aged female nurse whom Shepard called 'Dr. Chakwas.' As I looked around my body, I found that I wasn't wearing a shirt, but had bandages all over my shoulders.

"Where am I," I asked them. "Shouldn't we be fighting each other? Also, how did Shepard survive a sword to the gut?"

"You're on the Normandy 2," Miranda said to me, "in the sick-bay. Ever since our battle, the Normandy 2's crew recovered the four of us and brought us here for recovery. As for Shepard surviving your Power of Love, he's much tougher than he appears to be. Besides all that, you've only missed his vital organs, nothing else." She then faced Dr. Chakwas and continued, "Tell us, is Scott Pilgrim going to be okay?"

"He lost a lot of blood," said Dr. Chakwas, "but overall he going to be alive and okay. After all, he didn't get himself shot in the more vital areas, otherwise he'd be beyond our help."

"Good," said Jacob, "because he'll be having a lot of explaining to do."

Shepard and I would then face each other as he said to me, "Tell me, besides trying to rescue your Ramona Flowers, why were you working with Cerberus?"

"Look," I said, "I don't understand why, except that they needed to turn me into their new super-weapon so that they can conquer the galaxy! I just want Ramona back!"

"You do realize that if you succeeded," Jacob said to me, "Cerberus would have you and Ramona screwed-over along with the rest of the galaxy."

"Jacob and I once worked with Cerberus until we left and betrayed them," Miranda continued. "We know them better than you. Had you succeeded, they would've eliminated you along with Ramona."

"I know that," I proclaimed.

"Yet you try to fight us, anyway," Shepard said to me.

"I had no other choice," I said. "It was either capture or kill you, or Ramona dies!"

"I wouldn't count on that if I were you," said Miranda.

"What are you talking about," I asked Miranda.

"Just as much as we kept dossiers on you," Miranda continued, "we also kept dossiers on your girlfriend."

"Why haven't you told me this before," I asked.

"He ain't lying," Jacob said to Miranda. "Besides, Ramona's just Scott's damsel-in-distress, and you know how damsels-in-distress are like. They're defenseless, get themselves kidnapped, lets their boyfriends do all the work, the usual crap."

"You used to be in Cerberus, too, Jacob," Miranda said to Jacob, "remember? Back during Scott's time-period, Ramona used to work as a delivery-woman for . She used a super-power called 'subspace travel' to traverse different places quickly in order to deliver packages to her customers."

"What's 'subspace travel,'" asked Commander Shepard.

"It involves traveling into an alternate dimension," replied Miranda. "When a person enters a hidden door leading to subspace and encounters another door within it, that person instantly warps to another area within this dimension. She also had a subspace purse that she used to store her various items within subspace, like that hammer she used to wield against one of Scott's exes, Envy Adams."

"Right," I said. "I also remember Ramona giving up her cheating ways to truly fall in love with me, then gain a sword called 'The Power of Love' to help me and my 'Power of Understanding' to defeat Gideon Graves."

"If Ramona's capable of using subspace travel," said Dr. Chakwas, "then I don't see as to why not she wouldn't find a way to escape Cerberus."

"I wouldn't count on it if I were you," Shepard said to Dr. Chakwas.

"What are you talking about," asked Dr. Chakwas.

"Cerberus also has a profile on her," continued Miranda. "They might have took necessary precautions to keep her from accessing any hidden subspace doors within their facility, to keep her from escaping."

"Then," I said, "I guess the both of us are screwed, and Cerberus managed to defeat all of us."

"I wouldn't count on it if I were you," said a familiar, female voice. The five of us would face the doorway and encounter a familiar sight of a young woman who dyed her hair blue and wore goggles on her head. She was also leaning on the door, covered heavily in enough combat-wounds to kill anyone, let alone her.

"Ramona," I proclaimed.

"Long time, no see," Ramona said to me, "huh, Scott?"

I jumped off the bed and ran toward Ramona, as the two of us hugged each other out of relief.

As we let go of each other, we then faced Commander Shepard and the others as he said, "This isn't right."

"Shepard's right," Miranda said to Ramona. "Cerberus read your profiles. They should've kept you in a prison separate from any subspace doors you would've otherwised accessed within their base."

"The guard was gullible," Ramona said. "So I used my feminine charms to seduce the guard into letting me go, and I used that opportunity to knock him out and take his combat armor to wear as my own. It was too big for me, but I had to escape without getting anyone's attention anyway."

"Then," Jacob said to Ramona, "what explains the fatigue?"

"A small group took notice of me behind that armor," continued Ramona, "and beaten me up into the condition I'm in right now. I've managed to run away and use a subspace door to escape, but seeing them again keeps haunting my mind to the point that I can't get it out."

"Wait," I said to Ramona, "you said 'seeing them again'. Were they familiar to you?"

"Yes," Ramona replied. "In fact, they also knew you as well, that you were threatening to take me away from them, that they'd kill you to regain me. Hell, they were madly in love with me and want to make me their romantic partner!"

"Now that sounds familiar," I said.

"The League of Ramona's Seven Evil Exes again," Miranda said to the two of us, "isn't it?"

"Yes," Ramona said to Miranda. "How did you know?"

"Kept dossiers of them before we left Cerberus," continued Miranda, "Just like with you two. Only a group of people like that would want to gain Ramona and kill Scott all at the same time."

"Which doesn't explain everything," I said. "They're dead! The two of us managed to kill them! How did they return?"

"Probably spend six billion credits on patching them up as well," replied Jacob. "There's seven of them, and seven dead people times six billion credits is forty-two billion credits to resurrect these guys. Although, I highly doubt even the Illusive Man would have that kind of money."

"You're joking," Ramona said to Shepard and the others, "right? Besides, they said it to me themselves when I was escaping them. They weren't resurrected, Cerberus just used the time-machine they built to warp to the day before Matthew Pattel challenged Scott to his first fight, a week after my evil exes teamed up to regain me, so that they can take all seven of them. They even went far as to put mechanical implants inside their bodies to augment their fighting capabilities!"

"But why," Shepard asked. "There's got to be a good explanation for this."

"It's a back-up plan," Ramona continued, "just in case Scott Pilgrim failed to defeat you guys and deliver you to the Illusive Man, dead or alive. They knew that you, Scott Pilgrim, would betray them, so they brought my seven evil exes to eliminate you along with Shepard and his squad!"

"I can't believe it," I said. "I have to defeat your seven evil exes _again?"_

"No," Shepard said to us.

"What are you talking about," Dr. Chakwas asked Shepard.

"I wouldn't want a pair of love-birds re-experience the horrors of what they went through," Shepard continued, "just as my team and I had to go through Hell and back just to defeat the Collectors." He would then face the two of us and say, "Scott, Ramona, it's best that you head to the time-machine while the rest of us handled the evil exes."

"But Cerberus implanted them," Ramona proclaimed to Shepard. "Even if you've got the best guns, tech, and biotics money could buy, my evil exes can slaughter all of you in ways not even those 'Collectors' or whatever they're called could ever think about!"

"Don't worry," Shepard said to the two of us, "we're a team of experienced combat vets. If we can survive the Collectors, then we can survive your evil exes."

"Then you and your team are idiots," replied Ramona.

"I knew you'd say that," replied Shepard. "Meet us in the debriefing room. We'll discuss a way to get you back home."

"Right," Ramona and I said, as Shepard, Miranda, and Jacob left the nurse's office.

"You two going to be okay," asked Dr. Chakwas. Ramona and I would face Dr. Chakwas and nod yes. She then said Ramona, "You've experienced serious physical trauma against those people, whoever they were. I have medi-gel, I can patch you up good-as-new before you lose even more blood."

"No need," Ramona said. "I can handle myself no matter how slim my odds of survival are."

"Come on, Ramona," I said to my girlfriend. "Look at you! Your evil exes managed to bring you into this condition you're in right now. If that nurse-lady doesn't patch you up..."

"I said I'm fine," proclaimed Ramona, scaring me half to death.

"Fine," Dr. Chakwas said to Ramona, "don't blame me if you're beyond medical treatment."

"Uh-huh," replied Ramona. She would then face me and say, "Let's go to the debriefing room, where Shepard will meet us."

"But your wounds..." I said.

"Now," demanded Ramona.

"Yes, Ramona," I replied, as I followed Ramona to the elevator, leading to the second floor of the ship, and travelled to the debriefing room, where Shepard and his entire squad waited for me.

"We're glad you've made it on time," Shepard said to the two of us.

"You've brought your entire team with you," Ramona said to him, "huh?"

"Of course I have," Shepard would say, "even though I'm only bringing the two of you while the rest of my team defends the Normandy 2."

"Wait," I said, "you're only going alone, with just Ramona and me?"

"You two are capable enough in combat as you are," Miranda said.

"EDI," Shepard said, "do you have a holograph of the Cerberus facility containing the time-machine?"

"Providing data," said EDI's voice, as a hologram of a Cerberus facility appeared. Inside the hologram were red dots scattered all over it, and in the center was a green rectangle.

"The red dots," Shepard said, "represents the various subspace doors hidden within the facility, and the green box in the center of the base represent the time-machine. Ramona will escort Scott and I to the door she used on my ship leading to the Cerberus base, taking us to the door closest to the time-machine and farthest from any guards within it."

"And where do we come in," Jacob asked Shepard.

"Once Scott and Ramona arrive to the time-machine," continued Shepard, "I'll be left alone and vulnerable to attack. That's when I signal two of you people to access the same subspace door the three of us used to recover me before I get myself killed."

"As for the chances that any of Scott and Ramona's evil exes will appear to combat us," Miranda asked.

"Then we'll have to think of something," said Shepard. "Otherwise, we run from them as far as possible until I get Scott and Ramona back to their time-period. The rest of us are expendable."

"You talk like this is the same suicide mission against the Collectors," I said to Shepard. "How could you say such crap?"

"Listen," Shepard said to Ramona and I, "We understand that it was your responsibility to defeat Ramona's evil exes. But they've been implanted with machines by Cerberus. They're too powerful even for you and my team and I. Either I escort you to the time-machine, or die trying."

"No," Ramona said. "We're better off fighting them again than witnessing all of you die just because of my evil exes! Scott and I handled them before, we'll handle them again!"

"Scott's princess ain't lying," Jack said to Shepard. "We keep them from fighting her exes, they'll just bitch to everyone about our deaths like an emo baby."

"They're willing to die for their love for each other," Tali said to Shepard. "If they don't defeat those seven evil exes again, they might never be with each other again."

"Tali's right," said Garrus. "After all, for Scott to gain Ramona's affection, he had to defeat her seven evil exes. Would probably look bad if the two broke up just because her exes returned."

Shepard would then think to himself for a moment, about everything his teammates said to him. After a few seconds of silence, Shepard would then say to the two of us, "Okay, you can fight the evil exes. But I'm making sure you're alive and brought back to the time-machine. Otherwise, I might fail, and the space-time continuum would be thrown in disarray."

"Disarray," I asked.

"According to your dossiers," said EDI's voice, "you don't exist in this time period. You have been dead for the past one-hundred seventy-five years. Your existence in the year 2185 has disrupted the balance of space-time."

"What that computer was trying to say, Scott," Ramona said to me, "is that if we don't return to the time-machine, our existence in Shepard's time period might rip open the fabric of space-time, destroying everything in the process, even history itself."

"I guess that explains why Shepard and the others called themselves 'expendable'," I said.

"Guys," Shepard said to his teammates, "keep an eye on the Normandy 2 for me while I'm gone. Anytime I succeed in delivering Scott and Ramona to the time machine, I want you to recover me as fast as you can. Otherwise, if I die, Miranda will be in charge of the crew."

"You can count on me, Shepard," Miranda said to her leader. "I had experience leading the Lazerus cell during my time with Cerberus, so why not with the Normandy 2's crew?"

Shepard would then face me and say to the two of us, "I'm going to suit up. As soon as I'm done, I want to meet you in the CIC deck, where you, Ramona, must escort us to the subspace door you used to escape Cerberus."

"Yes, Commander," Ramona said to Shepard, as the two of us left the debriefing room and arrived in the CIC room, which had a large map of the galaxy in its center.

As we waited for Shepard, I said to Ramona, "Looks like we're finally going back home."

"Of course we are," Ramona said to me.

"But," I said, "Cerberus, brought seven of your evil exes from the day before they sent Matthew Pattel to fight me. They even went far as to implant them with machines to increase their fighting capabilities. I don't know, Ramona. What if we encountered one of them and died before we could land the first blow on them? Shepard and his team might even die before..."

Ramona would grab my face and give me a good kiss on the lips, strengthening my resolve to return home. As we let go of each other's lips, Ramona would say, "The more you bitch like the baby you are, the less likely we'll survive my exes again and return to our time-period. Shepard will get us through, you know that."

"Yes, Ramona," I said. The two of us would then stare at the galaxy map for a while, waiting for Shepard to change into his battle-armor.


	7. Chapter 6

Scott Pilgrim X Mass Effect

Chapter 6

Shepard, Ramona, and I would find the subspace door she used to escape Cerberus within the engineering deck. Shepard was decked in his battle armor and equipped with several guns to defend himself. As we looked at the door, Shepard would say to us, "Are you two love-birds prepared? I'm saying this because even though Cerberus isn't as bad compared to the Collectors, that doesn't excuse the fact that they implanted those seven evil exes with machines to enhance their capabilities, as you said, Ramona.

"You don't have to tell us," said Ramona. "I know what each of them are like, since I used to date them for a while before breaking up with them."

"I may not have been around when your boyfriend battled your evil exes," Shepard said to Ramona, "but, if they were capable of nearly killing you during your escape attempt, then they might be too powerful even for Scott's Power of Love or whatever tricks he had up his sleeves."

"So," I said, "what do you suggest?"

"When we encounter any of Ramona's exes," Shepard said to me, "we fight them as you and Ramona wanted to. But, if they prove too powerful even for you, you'll have no other choice but to run to the time-machine while I cover you. I'm an expendable commodity compared to you, so whatever you do, stay with me at all times, don't split up or get lost, and if you see a Cerberus soldier and not one of the evil exes, then it's okay to kick their sorry asses. Any questions?"

"No, Commander," Ramona and I would say.

"Move out," Shepard would say to us. The three of us would then enter the subspace door, leading us into the dark, alternate dimension that Ramona would usually use to travel during her job as a delivery-girl. "So," Shepard said to Ramona and I, "this must be subspace. Now where's that door leading to the Cerberus base?"

"Right in front of us," Ramona said to Shepard, as she pointed to the two of us a far-away door in front of us. We would slowly get closer to the door, until eventually we would arrive there. We would eventually open the door and accidentally fall in the middle of a hallway, on top of a Cerberus guard.

We were piled on-top of the Cerberus guard, as he said to us, "Who are you? Get the Hell off me!"

"Pardon our manners," Shepard would say to the guard, as we got off of him.

As the three of us faced the guard, he would then take out his gun, aim it at us, and say to us, "You three! You're Commander Shepard, Scott Pilgrim, and that girl who escaped under our noses! The Illusive Man was searching for you three!"

As Shepard took out his gun while Ramona and I went into our fighting stances, I would say, "Listen, we need to get to the time-machine, it's important!"

"Like Hell you will," said the guard, as he turned on his communicator within his helmet and said, "Attention all units! I've spotted three intruders and is engaging them as of now. Request back-up, I repeat, request back-up!"

"So what," asked Shepard, "so that you can outnumber us thirty-to-three? You're facing the man that blew up the Collector base and lived to tell the tale, as well as the slayer of his girlfriend's evil exes, and his girlfriend herself!"

"He's not lying, you know," Ramona said to the guard. "I suggest you tell your back-up not to rush on in and face their inevitable deaths."

Ramona would grab the guard's arms, toss him over her shoulders, steal his gun, then fire several rounds at his head with it, killing the guard in the process. She would then toss the gun aside as she would say to us, "Come on, the time-machine's waiting for us!"

"Right," Shepard and I would say to Ramona, as the three of us would rush through the Cerberus facility. We would fight the various guards within it, with Shepard using his guns while Ramona and I used our martial-arts skills. It was difficult and all, but for some unknown reason we've yet to encounter any of Ramona's evil exes. What were they planning, I asked myself. Are they setting up some sort of trap for us? If so, then how come we've yet to fall for one? What the Hell was going on with Ramona's evil exes?

After about an hour of traversing the facility, we would eventually arrive at an empty room with a door on the other side. In front of that other door was none other than a familiar face, a handsome-looking, glasses-wearing face per se.

"Gideon Graves," I said to the familiar-looking man.

"I see," Shepard said, aiming his gun at Gideon. "So, you must be one of Ramona's evil exes. She told me how Cerberus took you from the day before you sent that Matthew Patel person to attack Scott Pilgrim, that they synthetically implanted you people."

"And you must be the legendary Commander Shepard," Gideon Graves said to Shepard. "The Illusive Man told us about you, about how you destroyed those 'Collectors' or whatever they were called. He also told us that more than a year from now, in our time-period, I would be destroyed by Scott and Ramona. At first I thought they were crazy, but then they gave me Scott and Ramona's dossiers, said that they each unlocked the Power of Understanding and the Power of Love, respectively, and used them to defeat me. We were thankful that they implanted us with machines to increase our fighting capabilities, because now, we're more powerful than ever."

"That may be," Shepard said to Gideon, "but you're just as ordinary a human as Scott Pilgrim and his girlfriend. How can someone _that _ordinary be able to defeat a trained soldier that survived a suicide mission like myself?"

Suddenly, Gideon would disappear in front of our eyes, then quickly reappear in front of Shepard, too close to him. Gideon then took his katana out of his white coat and attempted to thrust it at Shepard, who managed to block the attack with his left arm, pushing it beside him. The Commander would then aim his assault rifle at Gideon's face, as the evil ex pushed his gun aside him. The two were then caught in a deadlock.

"I can sense no fear within you, Gideon," Shepard said to him. "I can see that those synthetic implants made you the equivalent of the Illusive Man."

"So what," Gideon said to Shepard. "You might be a super-soldier trained with a gun, and I'm just some ordinary man that runs the Chaos Theatre, but thanks to the Illusive Man, I'm more powerful than you'll ever be!"

"Also," I said to Gideon, "I have to wonder. If you're here and we've yet to encounter Ramona's other six evil exes, then where are they now?"

"Hmph," replied Gideon, as he and Shepard released each other. Gideon would jump backward, carrying his katana in his right hand, while Shepard kept his assault rifle in his. Gideon would then say to me, "You want to know where the rest of my League of Ramona's Evil Exes are, right?"

"Of course," said Ramona. "We expected to fight them again, even if they have implants, like you."

"So you've yet to encounter any of my comrades," replied Gideon. "As you probably know, they're not here to fight you. They were sent by the Illusive Man to combat Shepard's squad-mates."

"How can you," Shepard asked Gideon. "They're safe on my ship, especially with the Normandy 2's stealth-systems, its weapons, armor, and shield upgrades, and their respective self-capabilities."

"Your ship's stealth-systems can't hide from Cerberus's radars," replied Gideon. "They told me they were the ones that built it after your original Normandy, before it was destroyed by the Collectors along with you, so they know how they can spot your ship even when its hiding from radar scanners. They sent a Cerberus ship to drop off its troops into the Normandy 2, to induce them with sleeping gas so that they abduct them and drop them off to each location, where my comrades await to fight them."

"Why pit Shepard's squad against Ramona's evil exes," I asked Gideon. "Compared to Ramona and I, they've got nothing against any of you people!"

"It's part of an agreement we made with Cerberus," replied Gideon. "We help them exact their revenge on Shepard and his entire team for betraying them, and in return, they would give us implants to augment our fighting capabilities, so that we can eliminate you and regain Ramona."

"You really _are_ a dirty bastard," Ramona said to Gideon. "Kidnapping Shepard's team, pitting them against the rest of my evil exes. It's no wonder I broke up with all of you for Scott Pilgrim."

"Even though he's just as much a liar, cheater, and user as the seven of us," Gideon asked Ramona.

"What the Hell are you talking about," asked Shepard. "According to his dossier, Scott fought you and her other exes to gain Ramona's affection. How can he be a manipulative user like yourself?"

"Heh heh heh," chuckled Gideon, as he continued, "Scott is not what you'd think he is. He originally wanted a girl for the sake of sex and manipulation, not because he would care for her feelings like any regular human being would. He used to date Kim Pine in high-school but broke up with her, followed by Envy Adams in college, and then a chinese girl named Knives Chau. Like with Ramona, he plotted on using them for his own gains, just like me with my previous girlfriends."

"How the Hell do you know all of this," Shepard asked.

"I've invented subspace," replied Gideon, "and through subspace I entered Scott and Ramona's mind, spying on the two as he fought my comrades for her affection."

"This isn't right," Shepard said. He would then face me and say, "Was Gideon telling the truth, Scott? Are you _really_ the user he claimed you'd be?"

"I..." I said nervously, "I don't know how to explain this..."

"No," proclaimed Ramona.

Shepard would face Ramona and say to her, "Look, I appreciate you speaking on behalf of your boyfriend, but..."

"Shut up and let me speak to Gideon," Ramona interrupted Shepard. She faced Gideon and then said, "Scott and I hail from a month after we defeated you! He fell in love with me not only by defeating you and the rest of my evil exes, but also because he understood he was a dick, and needed to fix his malevolent, manipulative ways, or else he would've ended up like you, an evil ex! He's no longer the jerk-ass user he used to be, but rather a full-fledged human being that loves me as a human being rather than as some sex toy! I love him, no matter who he used to be, and with my love for the new, better Scott Pilgrim, I will take you down even if you were upgraded by Cerberus!"

"Then by all means," Gideon said to Ramona, "die, along with Scott and Shepard!"

Ramona would reach into her chest and take out a sword, also conveniently called 'The Power of Love,' like my Power of Love sword. Ramona and Gideon would then charge at each other with their swords, then swing their swords at each other. Ramona was quick, but unfortunately, Gideon was much faster, blocking every last one of her attacks, then countered her with a slash into her chest. From Gideon's sword attack, Ramona would lose a lot of blood and fall on the ground, as Shepard and I called out, "Ramona!"

Shepard and I would run to her body and checked her vital signs. After doing so, Shepard then said, "Thank God. Ramona lost a lot of blood, but she's still alive despite her being in a coma. Tough for someone as young as her."

Shepard and I then got up from Ramona's body and faced Gideon, as I angrily say to him, "You filthy son-of-a-bitch!"

Aiming his assault rifle at Gideon, Shepard said, "I don't see as to how your cybernetic implants helped you surpass even Ramona's Power of Love, but you can still be defeated at any cost!"

Shepard would fire and spray his assault rifle's bullets at Gideon, who blocked a lot of the speeding bullets with his katana, all without getting a scratch on himself. As he slowly walked to Shepard, blocking his assault rifle bullets with his sword, he would thrust his sword at Shepard. Reacting quickly, not wanting Shepard to die despite his willingness to, I ran in front of Shepard and took the sword attack for him, straight in my gut.

"Scott," Shepard yelled at me, as Gideon removed his katana out of my stomach and I slumped into the ground.

Shepard would lean down and carry me in his arms, as Gideon said to the two of us, "Hmph! Looks like Scott isn't the pretender I thought he'd be, protecting Shepard from my sword-thrust and all."

"Scott Pilgrim," Shepard said to my face, "don't you dare die on me!"

"So what," I said, "so that he can kill you? Ramona and I are just a bunch of ordinary people who can't wield a gun, let alone survive a suicide mission like you and your team have! Sure, mine and Ramona's deaths here might rip open the fabric of space-time and destroy all existence, but you're too important to die again. Besides, Gideon missed my vital organs. I'm losing a lot of blood, but I'm tougher than I look, and as soon as Ramona and I wake up again, we'll rejoin our battle against Gideon. So please, don't bitch about us nearly dying protecting you."

"Scott," Shepard called, as everything around me, including the sight of Shepard's face, was blurry, and all slowly went black and silent for me.


End file.
